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January 11, 2019 11:04 AM Middlesbrough ‘could resemble Middlesbrough in event of no-deal’

Experts warned that the post-industrial Northern town could face the catastrophic long-term situation of being largely the same. Economist Emma Bradford said: “I don’t wish to be too technical, but Middlesbrough suffers the macroeconomic problem that we economists refer to as ‘being a bit grim’. “A no-deal Brexit could easily lead to the same number 98

December 20, 2018 10:55 AM Teacher just binning any present not shaped like a bottle

Bradford has so far received gifts from around half of her Year 3 class, with all envelopes immediately discarded. Three wrapped items that were obviously mugs have also been binned, along with something that may have been a book. She said: “I haven’t got time to fuck around with gift cards and scarves. I’m not going outside for the next three weeks 48

December 3, 2018 12:16 PM Man wearing chinos must not be aware there are other kinds of trousers

A MAN wearing chinos must somehow be unaware of all the other kinds of trousers in the world, it has been claimed. Martin Bishop was seen wearing the chinos in his local coffee shop this morning, with many onlookers suggesting he ‘must have lost some sort of bet’. Barista Nathan Muir said: “I don’t like to judge people because of their trousers, but I simply 133

November 4, 2018 9:29 AM Woman looking for new plant to kill

A WOMAN is strolling over to the flower market to select which plant will spend the next month slowly dying in her flat. Emma Bradford has been deciding all week on the perfect gorgeous and exotic new plant to forget to open the curtains for five days a week. She said: “I do like orchids and I’m sure they’re easy to look after. They’re a hardy perennial 32

October 31, 2018 11:05 AM Woman on dating app looking for ‘something casual’ despite wearing bridesmaid dress in all her photos

A WOMAN on a dating app has revealed she wants ‘something casual’ despite all her photos showing her in a bridesmaids dress or holding friends’ babies. Emma Bradford, 28, said: “I only used those photos of me as a bridesmaid because my hair and make up had been professionally done on those days. “And what was I supposed to put? ‘Woman pushing 30 in need of sperm 35

October 22, 2018 1:21 PM Morrisons loses data leak challenge

Morrisons has lost its challenge to a High Court ruling that it is liable for a data breach that saw thousands of its employees' details posted online. The Court of Appeal upheld the original decision against the supermarket, issued in December 2017. Workers brought a claim against the company after employee Andrew Skelton stole the data, including salary 44

October 11, 2018 8:52 AM Phone not left to charge overnight going to be a real prick all day now

Although office worker Emma Bradford plugged her phone in last night she did not turn the charger on at the mains, for which she will hate herself all day. Bradford said: “How could I have been so stupid? I’ve basically got a day of worrying that my phone will go dead before some momentous news comes through. “My phone’s always a bastard if it’s not charged 42

October 3, 2018 7:06 AM It turns out we couldn’t do better after all, reunited couple admits

A COUPLE who claimed they had split for a whole host of reasons have got back together after discovering that they could not do better than each other after all. Nathan Muir and Emma Bradford told friends their relationship was over due to basic incompatibilities and a breakdown of trust, but on reuniting have admitted they were both hoping to trade 35

September 20, 2018 11:05 AM Man comes out amazingly well from own anecdote once again

Administrator Tom Logan told colleagues about an altercation with a motorcyclist in which he came close to punching the man but, as ever, had the self-control not to. Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “It’s amazing, really. He comes out of these situations cool as a cucumber. I’d be a nervous wreck but I suppose Tom’s used to it because it happens practically 37

September 7, 2018 8:16 AM Kids vote shoe shopping best time to be proper little bastards

Despite stiff competition from car journeys and trips to the supermarket, the UK’s small children believe shoe shops provide the most satisfying ‘kicking off’ experience. Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t know if it’s something in the chemicals they use to treat leather but as soon as we step into a shoe shop my kids turn on me. ‘My six-year-old 19